"I assume that there are three kinds of thoughts in myself. That is, one kind is my own, which arises strictly from my own freedom and desire; and the other two come from outside myself, the one from the good spirit and the other from the evil."

St Ignatius "The Spiritual Exercises"

"I am in the process of dying", that was the thought that ran through my head as I listened to the Gospel reading during my Ordination Mass. The Gospel passage in question was John 12:24- "...unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit." My old self, the one that existed before ordination, was dying and a new self would emerge following my consecration. Like Baptism, Holy Orders is a Sacrament that leaves an indelible mark on one's soul. In short, a new soul exists where the old one used to be. In this way I was very much like the grain of wheat in the Gospel passage. The Gospel goes on to say, "Whoever loves his live loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life." (Verse 25) I certainly loved my life prior to becoming a Deacon. Earthly pleasures and sinful ways are indeed easy enough to get used to. I never considered myself to be holy by any stretch of the imagination, which made my calling to become a Deacon very surreal to me. How can the Lord call one as flawed as I have been in my life? But the calling was almost irresitable, even when I was feeling most unworthy. As I set out on the journey I knew only one thing- that I wanted to do what God wanted me to do, to fulfill His will for me. 

And oddly enough the further I went along my journey the easier it became to put the old ways aside and to take up new ways. As the Venerable Fulton Sheen once said, "it is hard for the Lord to fill you up with salt when you've filled yourself up with pepper." There was almost a sense of relief when I finished my Lay Apostolate Formation in 2012 and found out that there would be no Diaconate Formation in the near future...but it was only almost. I remained committed to trying to do God's will in my life. I knew that if my vocation was a true one then the only force on this earth that could prevent it from happening was myself. So I continued to be involved with our Parish as much as I could, and I continued to pray that I be allowed to do God's will. In 2016 we had a bit of a scare when it was found that I had lung cancer. But it was discovered early and surgery alone was enough to cure me of that dreadful disease. Finally, in 2017 I started to hear grumblings through my grapevine that the Diaconate was being started up again. I kept putting feelers out, but wasn't receiving any information. One day, almost in desperation, I hit my knees and prayed, "Lord, I want to be a Deacon in your Church." Shortly after that I was put in touch with the Director of the Diaconate and after applying was accepted as an Aspirant. The funny thing was that the Director had the names of all of the men who had finished the Lay Apostolate Formation, but my name was not on the list. One may of course make of that what one will, but I believe that had I not said that prayer when I had that I would have had to wait until the next class to be enrolled. I had always held back a little when it came to actually wanting to be a Deacon, but that is what God needed me to realize.

Three years of college level courses followed. They weren't always easy, but I was able to pass them all with the help of the Holy Spirit. Karoline was supportive through it all and that was a huge help. By this time I was starting to feel a difference in myself because the change had been so subtle. I was more outgoing with strangers; I was more at peace with myself; my thoughts toward others were much more charitable than they had ever been; my old way of being no longer felt right. And so it was that as I sat there, listening to the proclamation of the Gospel, that I realized that over the past decade I have been slowly dying, only to rise again as a new creation following my ordination. It is a very humbling feeling. 

I look forward to being your Deacon and serving our Parish community. I thank you for all of your prayers over the years of my formation and ask for your continued prayers as I carry out my ministry. God bless you all!